"I don't really know what kind of girl I am."
[& i'm curious to know what i'll do once i figure it out.]

/// Page 1 of 63 FORWARD

This is going to be my last post on this Tumblr account, but before I leave there are a few things that I have to say to a few people. I want it made clear that this is me being honest, this is not me censoring myself, this is not me sparing your feelings, this is me saying exactly how I feel. If you’re offended or hurt…I don’t apologize, because I should be able to be honest, & if you’re reading this than you obviously want to know what I have to say. With that said, here goes:

Justine: When I think about you or hear about you my body is filled with so much anger I can barely take it. You stole from me one of the most important things in my life, one of my life lines, one of my friends. You behave in a way that absolutely disgusts me & I’m curious how the people closest to you are seemingly blind to the way you are. Everything you do & say feels & sounds contrived, contrived to make you sound wise or smart or deep. You are none of these things, & surprisingly, I don’t mean that in a cruel way, you just aren’t. You try too fucking hard to be this picture perfect idea of a person. No one is really like that, stop working so hard to be this stupid ideal, it’s ridiculous. There’s a huge part of me that wants to say that I fucking hate you, but I don’t. I don’t have enough energy with all the shit going on in my life to hate you. You’re not important enough to me for that. Also, I would like to take this moment to say that I’m sorry I think that some of the stupid shit you post is about me…Is that really so hard to believe? Do you never come to my blog & think, “Oh, that bitch, that’s totally about me!” Come on! I’m paranoid about it because you’re that kind of person, & fuck, we were friends, of course I’m curious to see what you may or may not have to say about me. If you’re not curious about what I have to say…You’re a liar. I hope living this pretend life & going on pretend adventure & never pushing yourself to do more, or be more, or want more makes you happy. It wouldn’t make me happy, but that’s because I’m bursting at the seams to fucking live!

Amanda: You broke my heart. & I’m sure I fucked yours up too, but let’s be fair…Your excuse that it was easier to be friends with Justine because she lives 30 minutes away opposed to 9 hours away…Well it was complete bullshit. Dylan manages to call me & text me & comfort me when I need it & make the effort to show he gives a shit & not only does he work full time, he’s not even my boyfriend anymore! Same goes for AJ, she lives in SLO, she has a full time job, she’s in a serious relationship, she’s living an adult life & somehow she’s able to make the time to be the friend I deserve & you know what? I make the time to be the friend she deserves too. The point is, you’re so busy being scared of real life that you spend all your time creating this fake world where you & Justine can go on stupid little adventures & pretend like you’re not actually wasting away in this stupid town, & the last thing you wanted was someone like me reminding you that there’s a whole other world out there that you could be living in. & that’s just my opinion, maybe I’m wrong…All I can say is, get the fuck out of here! You’re better then this, you have potential! Do something with it! I’m not gonna lie, I miss you. But on the days I feel like I wanna call, I push that feeling away & think about how much less shitty I feel when not being in contact with you is my choice, instead of yours. 

P.S. Justine & Amanda…The gerber daisies may have wilted as our friendship did, but NOM was one of the best fucking nights of my life…So even though things are shit between us now, I think it’s only fair to say thanks for that.

I’m sure this post is gonna come back & bite me in the ass. But fuck it, I’m being honest for once! But anyways, goodbye Calendargirl, & hello everything to come….

This is going to be my last post on this Tumblr account, but before I leave there are a few things that I have to say to a few people. I want it made clear that this is me being honest, this is not me censoring myself, this is not me sparing your feelings, this is me saying exactly how I feel. If you’re offended or hurt…I don’t apologize, because I should be able to be honest, & if you’re reading this than you obviously want to know what I have to say. With that said, here goes:

Justine: When I think about you or hear about you my body is filled with so much anger I can barely take it. You stole from me one of the most important things in my life, one of my life lines, one of my friends. You behave in a way that absolutely disgusts me & I’m curious how the people closest to you are seemingly blind to the way you are. Everything you do & say feels & sounds contrived, contrived to make you sound wise or smart or deep. You are none of these things, & surprisingly, I don’t mean that in a cruel way, you just aren’t. You try too fucking hard to be this picture perfect idea of a person. No one is really like that, stop working so hard to be this stupid ideal, it’s ridiculous. There’s a huge part of me that wants to say that I fucking hate you, but I don’t. I don’t have enough energy with all the shit going on in my life to hate you. You’re not important enough to me for that. Also, I would like to take this moment to say that I’m sorry I think that some of the stupid shit you post is about me…Is that really so hard to believe? Do you never come to my blog & think, “Oh, that bitch, that’s totally about me!” Come on! I’m paranoid about it because you’re that kind of person, & fuck, we were friends, of course I’m curious to see what you may or may not have to say about me. If you’re not curious about what I have to say…You’re a liar. I hope living this pretend life & going on pretend adventure & never pushing yourself to do more, or be more, or want more makes you happy. It wouldn’t make me happy, but that’s because I’m bursting at the seams to fucking live!

Amanda: You broke my heart. & I’m sure I fucked yours up too, but let’s be fair…Your excuse that it was easier to be friends with Justine because she lives 30 minutes away opposed to 9 hours away…Well it was complete bullshit. Dylan manages to call me & text me & comfort me when I need it & make the effort to show he gives a shit & not only does he work full time, he’s not even my boyfriend anymore! Same goes for AJ, she lives in SLO, she has a full time job, she’s in a serious relationship, she’s living an adult life & somehow she’s able to make the time to be the friend I deserve & you know what? I make the time to be the friend she deserves too. The point is, you’re so busy being scared of real life that you spend all your time creating this fake world where you & Justine can go on stupid little adventures & pretend like you’re not actually wasting away in this stupid town, & the last thing you wanted was someone like me reminding you that there’s a whole other world out there that you could be living in. & that’s just my opinion, maybe I’m wrong…All I can say is, get the fuck out of here! You’re better then this, you have potential! Do something with it! I’m not gonna lie, I miss you. But on the days I feel like I wanna call, I push that feeling away & think about how much less shitty I feel when not being in contact with you is my choice, instead of yours. 

P.S. Justine & Amanda…The gerber daisies may have wilted as our friendship did, but NOM was one of the best fucking nights of my life…So even though things are shit between us now, I think it’s only fair to say thanks for that.

I’m sure this post is gonna come back & bite me in the ass. But fuck it, I’m being honest for once! But anyways, goodbye Calendargirl, & hello everything to come….

Fri, April 2nd 2010

The Princess Bride.

  • Vizzini:  I suppose you think you're brave.
  • Buttercup:  Only compared to some.

Sun, March 28th 2010

Fact.

I started this Tumblr because I wanted a place where I could be honest, a place where I could say what was on my mind without feeling judged, a place where I didn’t need to sensor myself. I can’t do any of those things here, even though I should be able to, because I’m constantly worrying about what certain people will think of my thoughts & my feelings & I hate feeling like someone is reading whatever I post & judging me. There are only a handful of people who follow me who I actually know…& you know what? Most of you are the fucking reason that I have to sensor myself. Because I’m so goddam worried about what you think of me & if you’ll go gossip about it later. & the truly tragic thing about that is that you’re not even really physically in my life. The one person I don’t need to worry about is the one person who has stuck around for the last 5 fucking years, I can tell her anything & there is never any moment when I feel like she’s judging me or thinking less of me. 

But anyways, I started a new blog because I wanted a place to post things I wasn’t comfortable posting on here…I think its pretty much going to be my main blog now. I don’t want those certain people being apart of my life anymore, not even just on a stupid blog. You can’t fuck me up & still get a glimpse into the person I am, or the person I am becoming or the things I’m going through.

Sun, March 28th 2010

Fact.

There is a part of me that is afraid of what I will become without you.

Sun, March 28th 2010

Sun, March 28th 2010

Yeah…

I change my mind, I take it back. 

Sat, March 27th 2010

Fri, March 26th 2010

(via 472239364)

(via 472239364)

Fri, March 26th 2010

Wed, March 24th 2010

Wed, March 24th 2010